| madTV |
[Tuesday
February 10th, 2009 ] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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commercials. |
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I still think madtv is largely under the radar. This soccer mom just got fingered by the hamburger helper hand. Clearly genius.
So.
I don't know why watching television makes me feel empty.
But it does.
My time is being wasted. Even more so, since these thoughts are being washed away by some spark of electricity that wouldn't exist without humans.
Here's your future.
_________________
I'm sorry, we are having technical difficulties, please try again later.
Dear guarantees,
there are no guarantees.
FUCK I hate just about everyone. FIGHT me. BITE me. Some of us don't bleed.
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| neveryoumindDeathProfessor |
[Sunday
February 8th, 2009 ] |
I tell myself everytime I go internet on this computer that I won't spend more than a half hour. Well that half hour passed about an hour ago.
Dear Internal Eternal,
I can't help but wonder sometimes, "Am I a psychopath?." And, "Do they know I am just pretending to function, just imitating the art of being a human being".
Well fuck that all that shit.
I am, and never was 'pretending'. You can't fit a square in a circle and that's just how shit fucking works.
The pot culture has more to offer me than mass sobriety ever will. a) I don't get your fucking jokes. b) I have some issues with drinking. PRIMARILY, Rum is not always guaranteed. And the people that drink in groups have something in common I will never share with them. Acceptance.
So.
Ryan (motorhead) was carrying a piece of paper that he kept smiling at on Friday. He showed me his little hilarious phrase. Written in big black letters was, "AIDS, Anally Infected Death Sentence". I felt the need to be offended, but really I wasn't. I know gays and I know AIDS. Dad's ex-girlfriend died from it. He's probably infected but he's too dumb shit to get checked out. Not like I care. I'm sure Dan, (my boss who wrote this) knows you can get the HIV virus other ways. But this is how they humor themselves. I could cast them out as small minded people, but aren't they all? This isn't me being cynical, or even me adapting to a certain lifestyle. I'm not taking the good with the bad. I'm not taking any of it in general. I'm just living, and that's more than I can say for the dying.
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| why don't you............ |
[Wednesday
September 24th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
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music |
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built to spill o' course |
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try.?.?.?
Sure, I sure as fuck could try.
Yay. I learned my lesson. I read Madame Bovary and now I completely understand what drives the gender of men. After talking inconclusively with others about this subject, I feel like I have a better grip on the (oblivious) lying and deciet.
99.9% of the boys I've "dated" barely remember the conversations we have had. They contradict themselves constantly. Sure, I shouldn't hold someone to what they said 5 years ago, but it's almost like they don't admit that they have changed. That's what bothers me the most. "I've always been this way and I am fucking right". And in a year from now you'll feel differently about everything and everyone and where does that leave me? Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. Men are lucid dreams. Men are intangible. I am a rock. I have come to this conclusion that I have changed and that does bothers me. I liked the me 2, 3, 4, 10 years ago. I still like me. I will probably always like me. But I still feel I lose something every year, and when I notice I've gained something, it's basically always slipping away.
It's been over 2 months since I quit smoking, alot of people said they didn't think I would last a week. In your face.
In everyone's face.
I'm really glad to be starting something new.
Not another dead beat dead end gardner kid.
Fuck gardner. I'm glad I am out of there. Everytime I see someone I know it seems to be no big deal. I really want to smack them and say "WE WENT TO FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL TOGETHER. THIS MEANS YOU HUG ME." But no one's like that but me. And I am not strange, if you think that's strange you should probably kill yourself. (Factoring the living all year round outrageous miles away from everyone of course. If I still lived in gardner, I would probably ignore everyone from highschool too.)
Cool things that have happened to me:
Met Steve Tyler (finally). Most un rock and roll moment of my life. He's so short its obnoxious. And he was going to the bathroom. Carrie met him earlier this week too, we both agreed his appearance matches that of an old lady.
Yes so Halloween fest so psyched.
SO much going on at once !
I lost my cellphone like an idiot now I am getting another one. Pretty happy since I hate unicel. Burnnn down the malls. K.
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| smashing potatoes |
[Saturday
September 20th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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curious |
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music |
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dead kennedys |
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I wasn't looking up, you weren't looking down. Funny how this sounds. Cupboards and dishwashing and assembly line. The Rise to Globalism in the United States. It wasn't like I was looking in the first place, but somehow I found hate. Through being naive, I trusted and loved someone who didn't love me. I took on caring for a thief. Then I bowed my head at the turn of beds. And all I have is promiscuity. I burned those sheets and I hope you know that person is no longer me. I wrote some things and finally decided to let them go. The very next day (it was a wednesday) he kissed me. Someone who is entirely perfect, with golden tendrils. I ravish them. He cares more for me. "May I call you?". You may, you may!. What a priveledge it is to know you. What an honor it is to love you. Officially I am happy. Content not in a moment, for the moments are trials. Content for years to come. The bulletins, the mad decade, this crazy fucked up world. "Cindi dies alone with all her cats". I believe this no more. I prefer to be complex because I love men, and loathe their folly. Their simplicity drives me absolutely wild while it breaks them of use. I could go on of the troubles they as a gender have wreaked upon not just my gender, but races and economics through the oceans of time. Individually they are like precious stones but amassed 'they' lose their value and become a faceless feces wretched upon the earth, fertilizing weeds of spite. This is pretty tuffstuff but I find womankind majestic as a whole. I've met some pretty issue ridden women too and I'd rather take the latter. This doesn't make me proud. Only love makes you proud of yourself. Funny how someone else can make or break you. I was made by 3 people. And I've realized that the first was an idiot to begin with. He'll never become more than the person he was 6 months ago or 6 years ago. The second is I believe to be practically an idiot for reasons I will not name, it will give him away and make him hate me. I don't hate him, I actually really like him, I just think he's very stupid, and no doubt he thinks the same of me.
I've realized that alot of people have not lived as much as I have, or other people are so burnt out their minds waste and rot away. I smoke pot just about as much as I drink now. However a certain person who has whisked me away to "fancy beer night" has increased that percentage. But not by a lot. Beer does nothing to me. Alcohol's effect on me is not a positive one. Neither is weed. Or cigarettes. I've given these things up (basically). I've heard more nutso stories. Particulary my boss met the Dead Milkmen and all he said about them were "They were all shorter than you. Wicked nice guys. Fucking had that stupid shirt with a cow on it. All of a sudden punk rock girl blew up and all the douche's at school said how cool they were. I lost something that day". Basically I did too, after that story. I always lose a little bit in new hampshire when someone's taste in music almost beats mine. Because I don't judge people by listening to good or bad music. It just gives 'douches' a reason to pretend they're as great as I am. My self esteem is really high these days. Someone feel free to push me down.
October 11th. The Middle East. Les Savy Fav.
I'll be there.
I may or may not be in New York for Halloween.
Come?
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[Thursday
July 10th, 2008 ] |
because i know what its like
i should call you
i shouldn't ditch you
i shouldn't force myself to talk to you
"i'd rather watch the sky"
today i feel terrible. it could be the hives.
it could be the overwhelming feeling that im going to die alone
im just not going to try.
let the pieces fall
i know i shouldn't cry because it makes me sick.
maybe we're all crazy.
the one purpose in life i have is crushed. i turn 20 sunday. whats the point.
goodbye.
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[Thursday
July 10th, 2008 ] |
you have an irish face
i have alot of space
space
space
dead weight
it's just recently i've learned everyone in massachusetts is fucked up.
why don't you say things to my face?
why doesn't anyone say what they really think ever?
no one has common sense
i'm not bitching, i'm jealous
i wish i could get lost in irresponsibility
everytime i say something i think is matterless people care
i don't talk as much because of being shot down so much
i dont think after this weekend ill be visiting much more
i hate feeling like we have no future. my future is here. or more north.
i dislike the cold, but it keeps the brains in place
or something
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| I dreamed I was kidnapped |
[Monday
May 26th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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les savy fav |
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Dipnay. It's crazy how after all this time, the memory of you was ill-drawn compared to the person you really are. What was I thinking? Maybe I want different things now, or maybe you're just a pale reflection of the past. Either way, if you're waiting for something better to come along, I don't want to be a stepping stone. It's funny how your put downs used to hurt me, but they just made me feel more confident in my decision to see other people. Too bad it couldn't be done without you hating me. Who are you to judge me anyways? Why is there such a double standard? You were going to drop me like luggage. For someone who takes so many "mind expanding drugs", you are the most short-sighted person I know. I'm not a perfect person, so I'm sorry, I wish I could have realized all of this a long time ago, but I can't turn back time. I'm sorry I started this stupid thing up again
I wish I didn't waste my Saturday night.
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| magic trick |
[Wednesday
May 21st, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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starlight mints |
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It’s race season. Among the slew of fumes, something refreshing is in the air. It’s been raining, it’s supposed to. They say this. How am I supposed to know. I watch Lou Dobbs every night, and somehow I am scared that whoever wins in 2008 will eventually destroy human kind. There’s another part of me that doesn’t really care, that focuses on now. I dread being wrong. If for some reason I make a mistake (because everybody does), I want to cry. This has been happening alot lately. I think I need to change my routine up a bit. Or just shut up. I think I'll be disappearing for a bit, maybe I can find out who I am.
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[Thursday
May 15th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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hot hot heat |
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I think I waste my life away waiting..
Now that I think about it, I really do.
------------------------------------------------
****I wish everyone could see what I do.
-------------------------------------
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______________
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[Thursday
May 15th, 2008 ] |
I hate your face.
I hate your cliques.
I hate the assumption that when you grow older, people actually mature
I feel like I have to smoke pot just so I can be stupid enough, to be happy
Happiness has become something of an obstacle that I need to achieve.
I hate how money is a trade off for happiness
Buy the things you never knew you wanted in order to barter with your emotions
I hate ADD because it gives others an advantage to multitask, and me none
I love beating boys at arm wrestling
I love getting free coffee because I go out of my way to make gas attendants smile
I love when I get compliments on my cooking
I love when I hear that Bob Dylan is playing at the Palladium
I love when I can use sarcasm effectively
I love when I love my life
I hate when I think of who I used to be
I hate when people from my past bring it out in me
I don't think I deserve to be cutthroat just so bitches will leave me alone
I love throwing down
I love throwing down
But I won't
I love when you call me beautiful for no reason
I love when you say it's a shame
I love love my life
I don't love yours.
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| please help me sir i'm desperate |
[Monday
May 12th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Q and not U |
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I bleached my hair yesterday! I haven't done anything this different/damaging? in a while. Everyone at work told me I ruined my hair. I had the nay-sayers feel the quality softness of it all. And so, the universe was restored. I feel like every week I'm fixing something on my car that I didn't even know was wrong with it in the first place.. 2/3 of a paycheck just about, then rent, then bills. Gahhhhdamnit. I'll never save money for OK at this point. I digress. However, good friends, and the lack of cunt/douchebags in my life makes up for most of this. But when I listen to metric, "Buy this car to get to work, drive to work to pay for this car", I sort of feel like crap. I just don't understand why boys with terrible personalities are attracted to me, or rap-stars, it's such a slap in the face.
It's been nutrageous. Mmmm. Over the weekend I attended a hick-a-licious party on Burpee Hill Road (Ha?). This was nice. I played beer dice. I hate guns. I HATE guns. I HATE GUNS. SomeONE thought it was impressive to show me his myriad of weapons. I can tolerate a baton, not an AK-47. It's almost like the sight of your own blood. Other than that I love him to death. We didn't even know it was town-wide yard sale Saturday and ended up scoring big on Mr. T (circa 1983) puffy (tm) stickers! We acquired so many items the owner just charged us 10dollahs for the whole purchase! Amazing. Mothers Day was a-okay. She was actually being a decent human being so I'll give her credit for that. Getting stoned and listening to Ryan talk about his 17 year old girlfriend. "Cindi, the way I look at it, all I need is the 3 w's. It's wet, it's warm, it works!". Sometimes I think there is no hope at all for the male species. I digress. Ryan's actually very funny, but apparently sex is his achille's heel. Atleast this is what I've taken in.
Today was nuts as well. Last minute Fortune magazine decided to send some photographers over to where I work. Everyone was scrambling around fixing there work stations like the sheep they are. I love painting. I LOVE PAINTING. I love my job so much. We haven't been busy lately and it's some what a let down because I really need an extra source of cash. Before I have to crack down and apply at Grafton Country Store. I guess before shut down we get insanely busy. I'm hoping for 10 hour min. days. Barb's going on vacation for 3 weeks so this is virtually a guarantee. Very excited for life, and what tomorow brings. Hanging out with Colbs!@ Yes!
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| will he take her back? |
[Wednesday
May 7th, 2008 ] |
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Very excited. Saw Little Pat and skated with him for a while when I was walking to the bank. I had to. It sucked. Took me an hour give or take some kickflips thrown in. I need more practice. I'm out of shape, I've been out of shape. Whatever. I need wind surfing, kayaaking, and sailing. I.E. LAST SUMMER. Stopped in gemstar gemstone, and even though John didn't remember me I still got a discount! Yessah. I'm embracing the fear of bears now. First tattoo, it's on paper. But if you see my license please mail it to me because I'm lazy.
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[Wednesday
April 30th, 2008 ] |
On the objectives of dating. (Is there any?)
Systematic, the calculations of an integral process that defines us all. Time is really just a scape goat.
The infamous "chase".
The break up
Everyone breaks up.
Eat shit and die.
Here's one, I ended up semi-finishing a painting started months ago. Love is dressed as a character from paper mario. Or one of the hooded guys in the car simulation super smash bros. In a 2 dimensional land you never get anywhere. This is where I was going but it looks ultra warhol I want to puke. I don't really. I'd rather not.
As soon as you put yourself on a pedestal
I will tear you afuckingpart.
"Let's never date"
-Tony.
SOunds good.
I've decided relationships or any type of human bonding and interchanging of saliva is more or less digression? Can I be new wave for once? Not romantic..not sappy... I won't really stick to this. It just makes me feel better..Don't take me serious, seriously. I'm always joking. I'm just so sad all the time.
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| defeat tasted nothing like you said |
[Tuesday
April 29th, 2008 ] |
FUCKFUCKFUCK
Oh shut up you're happy as fuck.
LIELIELIELIE
I thought if I tried hard enough I'd make everyone I cared about happy
Turns out nothing is reciprocated in this town
Bad Blood, I can't trust anyone completely
It hurts most of the time
And I know you're sick of this/me
So I'll stop
Maybe take a drive to Queechee Gorge tanight.
Hey, Friendly's denied me a big beef plain cheeseburger
yesterday
I'm 60 at heart
Or should I say <3
byeeeeee
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| sluts get fucked |
[Saturday
April 26th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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kari's breathing |
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I love my friends.
More on this to be continued
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| emoooooooootion is my middle namee |
[Thursday
April 17th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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 eh |
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music |
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mxpx |
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Dear Journal,
I'm neurotic. Binge-eater. Chinee still tastes like mm delish. I bite my bottom lip. I keep it all in. For the first time today in a long long time I gave in to my petty side. It's a tale of two cars. I have a hate/love relationship with my fellow LSI friend. She's a real cunt but I love her so. I'm bordering doing my job "too well", so I've been leaving early a lot. I'm ushering in the weekend tomorrow with shorts. I've been sick, but I'm feeling nice now. I stopped drinking alcohol since tattoo night. (Thesaurus: Puke) I'm happy with my friends. I try to transcend the obvious, in doing so many people talk down to me, stating the obvious as if I had overlooked this or that. One day I can look back on this stage of my life and laugh. But I think I'll die soon. A lot of bad dreams is all I'll ever have.
-c
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| truf |
[Monday
March 24th, 2008 ] |
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if you're not going to take me seriously, seriously fuck off.
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[Sunday
March 9th, 2008 ] |
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gardner smells like spring. i don't smell too great at this point. finally, hot water!
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| if this is the life why does it feel so good to die today? |
[Sunday
February 24th, 2008 ] |
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mood |
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morbid |
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music |
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metric-grow up and blow away |
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I guess I just get overwhelmed. The best part is I don't want to show it. Volcano sydrome. It's always good to have a plan. Summertime-next year Plymouth living. Maybe go to college, maybe not. I've adapted to my surroundings, it's hard not to when there's a hidden culture. Rich, dark, mysterious. The makings of hermits don't happen overnight, but a single event will induce the lifestyle. If lightning doesn't strike this woman down, what will? Clutch the wheel as if it's a m-16. And almost bitterly ironic, "If you Love Someone Set Them On Fire" by the Dead Milkmen begins to play. The Roller Kingdom used to condone Punk Rock Lifestyles before they were big, Operation Ivy, Catch 22.. ect used to play and we talk for hours. Catch your breath and avoid a year of asthma. I should stop snow-soccering, and riding my skateboard off of my car (Bad move). Atleast I've learned one thing, don't ever post "I wish my boyfriend would fuck off" on a public site again. Because he did for good. I'm cool with it. Trampoline dares, motorcross space cadets..
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